I Don't Even Know Anymore...

Everything around me is in a constant state of flux and I am really starting to get sick of it.

I don't even know how to feel about my job anymore... Like I don't even know what my future at my job holds... After 5 years you would think I would know which route I fall on, but I can't find my footing currently and it frankly has me terrified. Add the anxiety about school and my future career to that and I almost feel like I am grasping for straws in the dark guessing where I've been and where it will take me not knowing if the next piece I pick-up will even take me in the direction I need to go to get anywhere closer to where I want to be.

Speaking of where I want to be... BEST VACATION EVER last month... I really didn't want to come home. So much so that I accidentally sat at the wrong gate and almost missed my flight home. (Yes this really was an accident I almost had a panic attack and couldn't even sleep on the plane ride home because of it.) But yeah I defiantly want to be out west. I want to be closer to my BF even if I'm not sure we will last. I feel safe where I'm swimming, but I do see the dark spots under the surface that could sink this relationship at a moments notice. Hell saying no was one of the hardest scariest things I have ever done. I was almost sure that I was in over my head and drowning for the 24 hours after it. I found the shallower water again but it defiantly messed with my center of balance. Not only that though its like a fresh water fish swimming into salt water. It doesn't feel right and the taste is off in your mouth. I don't fit in much with his friends or hell even his family. I'm a bit new age and kinda high-strung. I'm not used to being taken care of be it a door being held open of not being allowed to pay for things myself and well he was raised into chivalry. And high-strung, hell yeah I am when I'm in a town I know no one but my BF and the people he introduces me to, who all pretty much do something I personally don't agree with. I accept it, and accept they can do what they want, but I am not gonna do it. There wasn't particularly pressure to join in but hell you still feel like an outcast if you don't...

So I am taking these curve balls as best I can, not sure I'm doing it right, not sure if it is worth the extra bruises to try to stay in the current game. But hell I'm trying.

I need to lay out all the pieces of my puzzle again and try and take another stab at it, but I don't hardly trust myself to do it alone. I need a BFF one who understands and gets me sees things at my level and understands my responses. One friend is so vastly different from me that despite knowing each other 5 years we get along but we don't really spend time together. On friend doesn't get how I'm not tough enough and that my life is peachy compared to hers I should be better off than I am. The one I really trust all my secrets to and such... Well I'm scared I will flood her and overwhelm her too cause she has a shit ton going on in her life too. I'm that best friend that sits there and lets you vent but it also means bottle it up more than I should and then I pressurize and come very near bursting... I'm almost at max capacity and have no outlet to show for it...

And yay for finally being 21, but drinking doesn't make things go away... I wish it did sometimes, but it doesn't... least not permanently...

And what would one of my posts be without music?