We are our own greatest riddle...

So riddle me this...

What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?

But anyways back to the point... The title is proof enough we are our biggest critics. We constantly critique ourselves, question our actions and motives, and put ourselves down. Least I know it's true for a lot of us including myself. As the follow song so clearly states "I'm my own worst enemy". Its almost ingrained into our brains to do it. Well enjoy the song that's been stuck in my head since we talked about Oedipus today in World Lit and the idea that we our our own greatest riddle got planted in my head.





O wait... you wanted to know the answer to the riddle too?
I guess you can have it....

A man, who crawls on all fours as a baby, walks on two legs as an adult, and walks with a cane in old age.

Anxious Waters

In way over my head
My heart is pounding
But I keep drowning

My thoughts wash over me
The tide flows out
With it my sanity

Out there somewhere
Just out of reach
Everything I really need

I wait for the tide
To come back in
Bringing back part of me

The ship may have sunk
But bring the rubble back
Let me rebuild what was

Make a brand new me
Reconstruct my sanity
And sail back out to sea

The Wrong Side of Society...

I'm sitting here going out of my mind... bored stiff, yet have stuff to do... longing for the companionship I just cant seem to find... even my cat has disowned me. :/ What I think I need is good friends and fun times to wind me down and destress me, but *looks around* none of that is really in sight. Yes, Dragon*Con is this weekend but I only know a few people going. Sure I'll make some new friends, and there are some going but I still don't have a group to go with. And when I go to school tomorrow and sit down in the cafeteria I'll be alone except for a book. THIS IS FREAKING DEPRESSING! Why am I so horrible at making friends? Or when I do why can I never make time to be with them cause of school and work? Everyone wonders why I'm always so burnt out and stressed all the time... Well here is your answer... I HAVE NO LIFE! I'm shy, insecure, depressed, geeky, and have major time management issues thanks to a way too flexible schedule at work, so I can get hours in a feeble attempt to support myself... This is me pouring out my heart half in tears as I feel like a total outcast, and I don't like it one bit. I may be blocking my past from haunting me, I may have broken the rear view mirror, but the inner torment soul still is clawing her way through and it hurts. I want to toss everything out the door and start anew, but there are many factors preventing it. I need to finish school. I need to move out. I need a job in the field I want my career in. I can make the past stop haunting me but it will still linger until I can really run and start anew, which wont be for at least 4 if not 5 more semesters, including this one. A few more years and the I can break out of my safety mold and not be so afraid of falling and not have as many factors working against me. I know with a little more effort and some more financial aid I could do it now but its not worth the hassle and fight that trying to get there would cause. I've settled for the past 20 years, I can settle for a couple more; until I can make it on my own without anyone else holding me up when I stumble and fall.

Maybe if I kiss up enough to the cat she'll at least sleep at my feet tonight to comfort me...

I'm not weird...

and...




Nope. I'm totally NOT weird...

You better wear your shades the spotlights here can burn holes through the stage...

The spotlights on us these days are way too bright. Every detail every move of our everyday lives is scrutinized by someone somewhere. Why can't we all just be who we want to be, without fear of being judged? Why must we live our day to day lives guarded from those around us? This keeps running through my head, especially this time of the year when I get ready to go to Dragon*Con. The one time a year I really feel free to act how I want to act, and not be judged for it. I mean it's 4 days of utter geek-dom where the oddballs rule and all signs of normalcy are thrown out the window. It's a party that if your there your a dork and therefor you can't pick on anyone for being there cause you are too. Yeah some people take the costuming to the extreme, but hello it's part of the fun letting lose and allowing the inner nerd to reign supreme. Too bad we all try to hide it the rest of the year to "blend-in" with society and try to be portrayed as this thing called "normal" we all seam to strive for for no apparent reason... I mean why not stand out in the crowd and be the one with the half shaved head and rainbow colored liberty spikes? O yeah... the image turns heads and we get the look. Everyone turns the spotlight on that one person and starts judging a book by its cover... And how often are they wrong about what they see? I mean come on "what you see is what you get" doesn't always apply. What about that poor shaggy dog you saw on the side of the road? Why not take it home get to know it before you make that judgment call? Just saying turn off the bright spot lights and read a page out of someones book before you cast them off as "weird" cause "weird" can mean the difference between the coolest person you ever met and the coolest person you SHOULD have met.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine...

Totally in that state of mind right now... "I need you here, but you're always so far away"... 2000 miles is hella far... "I'm losing my mind, broken inside I want you to take my breath away"... I sit here waiting paciently for the future, " 'Cause being closer to you is my sweetest escape"... I know this for a fact after the 3 days we spent together a month ago... I may have stolen your nose, but you defiantly kept my heart... and "It's obvious that my heart beats for you"... and YOU know who YOU are...

And FYI ~You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter...

Perfection?...

Start with this...



And then you figure out this...



And it all boils down to this...



Lyrics express what I'm feeling, better than any words I could put together do, more often than not...

Why fix what's broken?...

Cause when it was whole it was amazing. But with pieces, important pieces, falling off here and there for awhile now it is almost impossible to re-assemble properly. So yeah, that mirror I broke last week, I know where most of the pieces fell... I *could* make it "whole" again, to some extent... but it wouldn't be the same. I am catching myself longing for the mirror though. That which was "normal" and "predictable" rather than not having that safe haven to run to. I needed to shatter it for more than one reason, one just finally forced my hand, I can't deny it needed to be done. The amount of stuff on my plate tonight alone is proof of that, I guess I just need to let the wound heel and sweep the piece of the mirror under the mat to deal with another less stressful weekend.

On a more bizarre note now that I have a desk I can light my candles again safely and well I am seeing spot from staring at the flame trying to think. I don't know what it is about watching the flame and the shapes the wax makes as the candle melts and burns, but it calms me and allows my mind to right itself... I guess I'm just a bit of a pyro at heart...

Move Along Folks. Nothing To See Here...

While at work I though of some insightful topic to write about tonight, but I forgot it and didn't have a chance to write it down. And at this point I AM NOT looking forward to tomorrow and need sleep so I am just gonna write to write so I can say I posted everyday for 7 days for the first week. This whole back to school thing is really getting to me. Purely because I have not had a day off since the 8th and the next possible one isn't till the 28th, at the earliest. If it's not work it's school and this homework thing is starting to kick in which means "free time" is time not spent wisely. I honestly can't wait until labor day, cause at least at Dragon*Con when I'm working I'll get to have fun too and sit on my bum and enjoy people watching as I point the different geeks to he right hotel. Later Gators! I warned you there was nothing to look at of importance...

SombreroRojo...

Don't ask just go with me being bored and a dork at work trying to master the name of a brand of wine I found and trying (for 20 minutes) to say it properly rolled R's and all.
So I have further proof of why I have no self-esteem/ self-confidence. Today I go to a meeting and the professor says I'm looking good and lost some weight. I come home and a few hours later as I'm getting ready for work I go in to talk to mom and she asks if my fly is down so I check and it's not but as I'm doing so daddy dearest makes the comment no she is probably just filling out her pants more. Mind you these are the pants I had to bye a few months back cause the old ones were FALLING OFF. The belt I wear is the same one because I can't find another I like and it's required so I just have it on the LAST NOTCH. This isn't the first time recently I've had people I know and see often enough to recognize, if not by name by face from checking them out once a week, say that I look like I've lost weight... and for my father who sees me everyday to think I'm gaining when he has no idea I dropped a pant size and a half and can fit into teenage shirts again... IT BUGS ME! He thinks he knows me up and down but he doesn't. He has no idea what's going on with me... Yes, I do block him out, but hello does he not see the smile on my face more often or the confidence in my step? *shakes her head confused*
To top off the day I have decided I'm *really* sick of people thinking I don't know what I'm talking about. If I open my mouth to correct you it's cause you are doing it wrong! When the older coworkers roll their eyes like I don't know what I'm doing yet I have been there twice as long as them and am more trusted to do things and do them right the first time... I don't know but when shit like what happens tonight happens and I get looked down upon as inexperienced and don't know what I'm talking about when, if anyone bothered to listen to what I had to say they would realize I actually have a mind of my own and get this... I USE IT!
-end rant-
Maybe I'll go do something productive like sleep... or find a path to the newly found desk that is in my room.

I know, It's just nice to hear it said again...

Today has been... interesting... to say the least. Literature class further proved my point from yesterday's blog about stuff. You really can't talk or discuss anything unless you know your stuff you have to read/study/work with the material then you can have a good grasp of the concept and come up with an interpretation of which you defend. I lived through a lot of stuff I've been through situations like hers, and with how the past used to haunt me and I would linger on it I've replayed the events backwards and forwards looking at my mistakes and finding ways to fix them even if I was to late to fix them then. But then again for many of this to work you have to be "open enough to hear opinions and look at the material". Which further proves my point about her being "close-minded" she wasn't open to listening every time I made a suggest it was shot down mid thought process. She refused to see things through my shoes. I really need to stop lingering but I just find it funny how all my different "lives" and activities overlap into one big mess of information all pointing the same direction.

Now on to Psychology class today... We were talking about one of the great minds that started to mold psychology into what it is today and the teacher went off on a tangent about how he never really fit in to society and how parents were suppose to shelter children from the evils of society but often ended up locking the children away which still twisted them. I found it ironic because she went on to talk about how often some of the most brilliant creative people think so little of themselves because of society and the girl that is the power point clicker at that time turn to me and gave me "the look". I said, "What?". She then made it blatantly obvious she though I was one of these types, which I don't doubt to be true from how adamantly my friends from all over and all walks of life say "[I'm] too hard on myself" and "[I'm] a really great person". I don't really know what to think though i *want* to believe them but then again I *can't* its just the way my brain got programed over the years. But that was all of any interest that happened at school.

Course I came home tonight and was given the web site a friend and I had been talking about the other day in regards to animal spirits and after clicking through almost every page on the website I *think* I finally found one that almost fits, though comments on how right/wrong you people that know me think I am with what I picked. (Here is the site: http://www.animalspirits.com/indexlist.html ) And now for the big reveal....

Domestic Cat's Wisdom Includes:

* Independence
* Seeing the unseen
* Protection
* Love
* Allows us to dream its dreams
* Assists in meditation
* Ability to fight when cornered

Now does it really surprise those of you that know me? Not quite all of it fits perfectly but it fits better than half the ones that talked about self-esteem, handling stress or social grace, all things no one can convince me I have because I'm quite positive I lack them. I might have this changed up a bit though and some of the mouse and unicorn fit me as well and I didn't get through all of he animal's yet I might find one closer later, but for now I'm content with being a cat. =^.~=

Hey! Hey! Listen!

I may be young. I may be "inexperienced" but I have been around the block a time or two. So when I give you advice from experience freaking listen. Made a new friend through a friend couple weeks back... had to tell her off last night, and I'm having a hard time not looking back. She is so like I was a year and a half ago... The world is her play thing, you are her friend and D@M!T she wants your attention NOW! Not to mention won't sit and listen worth a shit. (Sometimes it's best to sit down shut up and listen to what people have to say, answering with a nod, okay, or yes sir/ma'am.) Somewhat close-minded view of the world having grown up sheltered by choice or by coincidence, it is such a shame to have to block people out of your life for stupid reasons, but disrespect doesn't bode well with me at all. If I'm trying my hardest to fix your problem listen to what I have to say don't ignore me and tell me I'm wrong, ESPECIALLY if you ASK me to help you figure out whats wrong. But alas this is me rambling about the past, which I need not do. Just hear me out if I say it like I have experience I probably do. I may be 20, but I'm hardheaded and observant I tend to only speak up when sure of myself.

To Begin Again...

The semester has officially started. Day two of classes is already in full swing as I wait for my first class of the day to start and reflect back to remember what I've learned versus the path ahead and what I'll need to get where I want to go. Last night was the ending of something I had grown attached to... Something that gave me connections to people and insights about myself I could never begin to replace. Stepping outside our comfort-zone is something that everyone must face at some point and come to turns with. What I left last night was just that... It started as me reaching out of my comfort-zone and confronting what I was handed. It then became my comfort-zone the place I hid when the rest of the world was trying to break down my door. As of late I've been reaching outside the comfort-zone with one foot firmly planted in it, but now I took my foot out of it and plan to continue on this path as it merges with the rest of my life. So yeah last night signified the ending, but its not an ending as most would think. I still get to visit my old hideaway, just see it through new eyes, and I have already been told that I'm welcome back if I so choose when the path becomes less rocky and the way clears again for side excursions. But for now I leave the weekly party place I called "home away from home" focus my attention on school and keep in touch with the people I met along that path that made A difference (for the better) in me and the way I view the world. And with that I leave you a song with perfect lyrics for this new beginning...

Eternity Awaits...

And with a fitting ending to signify a new beginning I leave you for the night with a song a friend picked for me that fits all to well to what is coming together...

So, I broke the mirror...

Why did I break the mirror? Cause you can't linger in the past. Got to keep moving forward; learn what you can, but don't let it haunt you. Keep both eyes on the road ahead. A few good friends have been beating this through my head recently and well it's about time I let it sink in. So this marks the beginning middle and end for me. The beginning of a new point of view and a "new me" where I learn from my mistakes and don't linger on them. The middle of the long road that is, and will be my life. The end of the girl who was crippled and haunted by her past, her regrets, and her fears. So while I break the mirror I have my glimpse and memories of the past to show where I have been and remind me where I am heading, but they won't have a clear shot at hindering me like they have before. But breaking a mirror alone wont fix my life I have to add in a balance. Work--|--School; Play---|-Study; you know that thing we all have to do when we really want to make a big change "for the better" in our life. But for now I pick this new fork in the road, jump over the shards of a now shattered mirror, and take the next steps down the road of my life. Hope to see you along the way.