They Warned Her She Needed A Wall....

O the holidays... how they eat up all my free time. Working more spending the little time I have dealing with holiday goodness... But that is mostly over. All I have left is the present for my boyfriend and his sister both of which are en-route to me! I can't say what they are in to off chance one of them decides to read my blog but I'm really hoping my boyfriend appreciates how creative I got with it. Speaking of boyfriend... I miss him I really do.



I posted a pic from July on facebook earlier and ever since he has been back and forth in my thoughts. Sure we text back and forth almost everyday, some days more or less than others, but it still isn't the same as being right there with him. I love the phone calls but they never seam to last long enough even if I run out of things to say. I would LOVE to go back and repeat that weekend I spent with him in July, or have a new one just like it. Heck I'd love to spend more than weekend with him. Every once in awhile this long distance relationship stuff gets to me and when I saw that the new batch of Hallmark cards went up today, and they are valentines cars it hit me. 2 years. 2 whole years the week before valentines day. That's a LONG time. Especially since this is my FIRST relationship. Yes we have had our ups and downs and hiccups and such but hey it happens to everyone. I am typing this as I wait for him to call me after he gets off work. Staying up being my sacrifice to make this work since he is 3 hours behind me. I've changed so much since I met him, for the better of course. Through him I have begun to find myself on levels I never would have found without him. One level is expressed perfectly in this song...



And the funny part, when it comes on I go yeah that's me and skip right to thinking about him. He has it as his ring-tone for me. I wish I was dancing in his arms every time it comes on. But for now, until circumstances change for the better, I will settle for this...

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie...

It really bothers me that I can't seam to do it. Especially with the one person that I really need to move past. It's not like online where there is a block and a mute button. Well it kinda is since its online i keep seeing the past pop up. But this is an old friend that I can't seam to shake. Even if I wasn't seeing her comment on one of my friend's Facebook, all my coworkers know we were best friends and always ask me what happened to her. Do I care? Yeah Kinda. Should I? Probably not. What do I say when they ask? Why the hell would I know what happened to the bitch? She taught me stuff I learned from her, but that wake up wasn't a pretty one. And to see HER go and make a blog via routes showing off the profile and making statements I know were to be aimed directly at me. I did the same. I am doing the same now. And I will most likely do it again. But it still hurts. What she has done, is doing, and will continue to do. I see all sides almost clear as day. Everyone told their story and I am sure I made the right choice. Now I just need to get on with my life and live with it. I wonder if she realizes how often she crosses my thoughts. How ofter I go is she doing alright? Was I wrong? From what comes down the grapevines and from what I pickup unwillingly. She kinda is, but I wasn't. But what does it matter?
Why am I rambling on about the past when I need to move forward? This so isn't helping my depression that has hit my like a ton of bricks, off and on the past week, but I need to get it off my chest.


** This part was edited out on request though I will point out out I had never said anything or did anything wrong. I just stated that lyrics from a song matched an event that happened. Like it or not, I did what you asked move along cause that wound is still healing and I'm sick of it being prodded...**


And because it is me here, adding in an Emilie song to make me feel better...

Get Your Paws Off My Cookie...

I find it funny that society is feeding its youth all these talking animals, and other furry type media. Yet in general society furies are classified as weirdos and such. Society and all of its awesome hypocritical nature. Subliminally feeding us all this media and then when we finally get what they are saying and pick up the message they send us we are told that's bad, that's different, stop that and are classified as the extremist of the fetish even when some of us are only a fraction of what the extremist make us out to be. I was more amped up to do this the hour ago when I started... but the catnip in my tea got me distracted...

And now the Music I took the Liberty of selecting for your ears tonight.

BitterSweet HeartBreak...

Okay so over the past week I have had 2 blog posts bouncing around in my head but thanks to finals and stuff I juts haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and do my thing. So here goes nothing...

BitterSweet
The end of the semester is always a bitter sweet time for me. Yay end of that really boring class I had to fight my hardest not to fall asleep in... but it is also the end of that class I loved with the new friends I made. End of the semester projects (all group and all at once x.x) and finals of extreme stress, but wait here comes a "break" at least for a few weeks. Though you can hardly call it a break when you are working ~35 hours vs the ~25 you had during school. Though for a few weeks my days off are as close to days off as you can really get without a literal vacation when you do absolutely nothing. On this "break" I will be cleaning my room and gearing up for next semester. Not to mention I will be trying to come up with money for Christmas presents and my new phone (trying to decide between a Blackberry and an iPhone is hard o.o) and school books... SO I guess I do get a break...and at least 2 of the days I am sure I will do absolutely nothing and not even bother to get out of my PJs... But I will also be getting ready for next semester as best as I know how...



HeartBreak
I really need to learn not to get my hopes up especially after having them crushed twice since Halloween. First with work and everything I've been working towards lately being pushed back till "after the holidays, but it will get done". And then I missed my cousin's turning blue ceremony cause I had to go to the last day of classes. But then my grandma was going to come see me for n hour or so before they flew back west, but she was too tired form the jet lag and getting up early and running around so she will "see me in Spring" which isn't even set in stone, it is merely in the planning phases and she is known for falling through with such plans. So in all, there is a carrot right out of my reach in the workplace and my cousin (who is 11 days younger than me) has joined the military and I haven't seen him in 7 years and have no idea when I will see him again; and my aunt I haven't seen in 10 years and my grandma I haven't seen in 5 were too tired to stay up till I got off work to visit with me ;_; So yeah I need to not get my hopes up cause things never turn out right when I do...




And let's just sum it up like this...

What If I...

...was stronger?
...was smarter?
...was not so unstable, emotionally and otherwise?
...could protect those I cared about even from a distance?
...could prove myself for who and what I am and not hide behind my brittle facade I have in place?
...knew what my place was in this world?
...fit all the expectations laid upon me?
...could stand to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I saw?
...lived up to my own unreasonable standards for myself?
...could turn off my brain and just stop all of the torment I put myself through by doing things like this...?

There are soo many "What If"s out there and I just seem to torture myself by going through them all over and over again in my head, but I do it anyway and will most likely continue to do so...


And look at what I found to fit this post...

Life is much better in the upper atmosphere...

I shall open with this song...




And then I shall star my Hodge-podge mix of stuff for today since the marks all over my notes and saved text drafts have piled up again and I'm just busy and stressed not really in need of a vent tonight...

Quotes from all over the place:

Sacrifice the essential in hopes of acquiring the superfluous...

Life is much better in the upper atmosphere

Food : Physical Well-being :: Religion : Spiritual Well-being
You got to have it to thrive but it doesn't matter which flavor you chose.

Amor Fati - Love Your Fate

If you know why you live you can endure any how.

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. ~Atticus Finch

The first thing that anyone from a long family can tel you is that there is never a straight answer. ~Scout

"Success is going form failure to failure with enthusiasm." ~Winston Churchill

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” ~Teddy Roosevelt

All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others. ~ Animal Farm

Don't wait; the time will never be just right. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.

Change is good. You go first! ~ Dilbert

Begin with the end in mind.

Once we know our weaknesses, they cease to do us any harm.

More Music Videos:









Mk, I *think* that's enough spam for tonight...

Compliment, Complaint, Same Beginning, Different End...

Complaints that's all anyone ever really hers about anymore. I admit I am guilty of it to I only car enough to complain never really take the extra step to compliment. But I seriously think after tonight that is going to change. Don't get me wrong I am still going to vent (probably a lot more than I should) but if someone does a good job that exceeds my expectations I'm going to find a way to say so, because this just goes to far now days. And yes I am speaking form personal experience. I just got 2 complaints to a manger within the past week, yet within 2 hours of them telling me about said complaints I have 3 customers tell me how awesome I am. How "patient" I am and how I always know where everything is. Which is what is reflected in the evaluation of my past 6 months that I got right before being told about the complaints. Yet my holidays will be spent on edge because I'll be worried about getting another customer complaint on me.
So in summery: Complain less. Compliment more. And try to keep me sane this Holiday season.

Thnks fr th Mmrs...

I *think* this just might have to be the official song for the blog... Was on the radio earlier and it fits almost too well to the original intentions of the blog! Have a listen!

Perfect? What's That? ...

The above is so true and to this day I still sit here and find imperfections with myself. Last week I realized how shallow I am... this week I am impatient. I loath the figurative carrot held out in front of me just out of reach, yet I find myself trapped in a stale mate with this carrot currently. I get the " Oh! By the way ... Two weeks from now ..." then at the end of week one "Sorry got to push it back a week cause of..." Then I get all amped up ready like I had started from when I was originally told time comes and then it is all "Sorry stuff didn't get done in time" and I go "What about the Holiday?" and they are all well it is just gonna happen after don't worry it will get done still just got to be PATIENT." And there come in the god forsaken word.
I am REALLY starting to not like this word... It tends to not be used to my benefit... like ever. Blah blah Patience is a virtue... well do I really want to continue to be what I have always been? Little miss goody-two-shoes is starting to get sick of being trampled on and used as a step ladder... Virtues.. should I really have them or should I just let the vices take over?
UGH!
I though of something else to complain about while at work but I totally have no Idea what it was at this point... Maybe it will come back to me for another rant session later on =D
So now I leave you with some tunes!

Just found this and it fits almost perfect to my last bit...



Cause I'm an Emilie Whore I have to put this one. Listen you'll hear why...

My Drug Of Choice...

So I have come to realize I am addicted to something...
I'm not addicted to anything bad, but it seams to empty my bank account of ~$10 a week...
Wanna know what my "drug of choice" is?
Reading... That simple... That innocent...
But like with any addict I have the type/brand I prefer. Which in my case is Sci-fi / Fantasy Books that cater to the teen young adult audience. The only "adult" books I like so far, other than a very select few I have had the read for school, are ones written by authors that I came to love by reading their books in the teen section. I am very select with my books and will find I put a book down half way through if its too easy to read or too predictable and doesn't keep me entertained enough. Even if it is by one of my favorite authors, but mine you I tend to like an author cause they don't do these things that allow me to put a book down and they open up a whole new place for my imagination to explore.
So yes I do let my imagination run away with me! Why else would I be a UniCat; part mythical creature, part cat, and totally unique? Though don't count on my creativity... about all I can do is write and that isn't even very well. *Has no artistic skills at all whatsoever*
But back to why I am admitting I'm addicted to reading... I aid I wasn't gonna buy a book this week I was gonna save my money... Did that happen? OF COURSE NOT! I started a series last week that I love and the books are to new to be at the library... which you know I really should look into old books at the library and try to find something there to save my money but the library near me has a poor selection and I just have to brows to find books a lot of the time the title or cover will grab me I can't always just go eny-meanie-minie-mo I pick that one... it just does not work!
Enough of my rant! Time to hit the books! And I mean that in 2 ways... I have homework to do too... :( ... But first a song! And some of the lyrics could fit my addiction to a book XD...

Off The Deep-End...

*Here begins a rant that is probably very hypocritical of me, considering how much I really do care what other people think of me... but I know it is a character flaw and am working to improve it so bear with me while I vent.*

I am surrounded by shallow people... they are all over and it drives me nuts. It isn't just all the advertisements brainwashing us anymore... otherwise intelligent people are falling to this and it bothers me. The anorexia and the bulimia aren't enough any more it seams. We are all self cautious and these are the extreme cases. Look at me for an example. I don't have either illness yet I constantly don't feel good enough; I put myself down and think about how skinny I'm not. Another example is my sister, who has been having doctor visit after doctor visit over the past 2 years, and just because she was skinny and never gains weight and was complaining about her stomach and acid reflux type symptoms the first thing they did when they shoved the camera down her throat was to look for scaring on her esophagus because of these diseases that are running rampant in our shallow society. (She defiantly does not have either disease by-the-way. I could have told any doctor that bothered to asked me. She hates throwing up with a passion, avoids it at all cost, to the point of taking Pepto if she feels the slightest bit nauseous, and does everything in her power to not get above a slight it nauseous.) But back to my main point... PEOPLE ARE TOO FREAKING SHALLOW! I have found that a lot of my female coworkers that are around my age are fawning over this one coworker. "He is so hot!" so on and so forth have been said to me far too much lately. These girls have even given him a private nickname to talk about him in code, take a gander at what it is... "MUSCLES"... Really ladies can we not be any more creative that his appearance? Why yes he does body build on the side. And all admit his accent is a nice change for the southern drawl that a lot of the guys around here have. But have you ever talked to him? "He is super nice." Well then you obviously haven't talked to him other than fawning over him with your cute petite girly figure (I warned you I do care far too much about this I notice things like this), but I have... hell, he used to work in our department a few years back and he is quite the asshole. Similar to the other coworkers we all despise that inspect women like pieces of meat and "would only date Germans cause they are the hottest women" or the one that calls every female "baby" and has those very unrealistic ideas of a girl that will just sit there and cook for him and give him shoulder massages all day long. I despise people like this as do most independent women that like having their dignity that women have spent hundreds of years trying to earn. So in short, society is getting more and more outwardly superficial and shallow and it is getting on my last nerve. (I am inwardly shallow. I compare myself to others and how I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, so on and so forth; but I don't go on bragging about how hot someone is to those around me.) Can we please just work on not being the superficial shallow brainwashed beings we are turning into? Natural selection shouldn't be twisted like this. Pretty isn't always the best feature to have in a partner...


And because Emilie Autumn is win, it fits my rant perfectly, & I ♥ Sarcasm:

Once Upon A Time...

...life took on a fairytale quality. A young girl named Kaitlyn was living her life minding her own business, until her world was turned upside down by a stranger. The simple phrase "Well aren't you just the cat's meow." Uttered by a complete stranger to the young woman, changed her life forever. That night she lost her voice. Figuring it was just a bug she went to bed hoping she would get better in the morning, but come morning she could "speak" again. She understood herself quite well, however no one around her could understand a word she said. She was regarded as having an illness that caused her to become mentally unstable. But as the day progressed more and more subtle changes occurred. Thinking herself sick she rested, but with each "catnap" she grew more and more cat like. By that night she had grown cat ears and a tail could speak fluent cat, but still had the body of a human. It was the strangest thing. Knowing that she would be cast out of society anyway as soon as she was discovered she decided to run off before they found out. As she walked away from society society left her too, her memories faded and she became something totally new with very little past and a whole life ahead of her to forge as she wished. To this day she wanders looking for acceptance and companionship. She has grown to like and accept what she has become, but needs others to accept her for herself so her mind may be at ease.

Okay I been working on this for 2 days now, just finally getting around to posting it. What started as me trying to get a RP back story out of my head so I could write one I could actually use has turned it to me writing a full fledged story. So have the outline while I slowly but surely get to work on the rest of it...

The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity...

Today I shall start with a quote...

"When we begin life, we are all given a puzzle -- each one very different, yet special. As we continue through our lives, we meet people and have some type of affect upon their life, as they do on ours. We share with them a piece of our puzzle and they share a piece of theirs, with us, in return. No matter what type of impact they had upon our life, we still carry along with us, a piece of their puzzle. Meaning that everyone we encounter has a special impact upon our lives, because they have shaped us into what we are today. This is called the puzzle of life. Each puzzle growing and changing throughout our lives, but always becoming better and always having the same foundational pieces. Know that you DO make a difference in peoples lives! I thank you for sharing part of your puzzle with me!" - Erin Bridget Doyle

... And from this quote I will expand on what is on my mind, and yes the quote does kinda fit with it.

The way I look at it, life is one of those huge puzzles with a zillion pieces, but with a catch. There are extra pieces that look like they fit, but they don't actually fit the main puzzle. Sometimes, the piece will linger as you attach it to the main puzzle and try to work around it, but once you figure out it really doesn't fit you pull it out and put it aside; where it instead helps form a smaller puzzle with many of the same features of the main puzzle, but also very distinct differences. And I know that made it sound a lot more confusing than I meant it to so I will break it down.

Big Pile of Puzzle Pieces - Some will fit into THE puzzle and some won't. - Represents possible futures, mistakes, and what have you.

THE Puzzle - All the pieces that fit together the way you want them to. - Your life and what you make of it. - Picture it as the map of which forks in the road you chose along the way.

The Side Puzzle - All the piece you though fit for a little while but didn't end up fitting after all. - All the mistakes you have made that you learned and grew from. - Picture it as the road map of all the wrong turns you took but back tracked and corrected.

The "Extra" - The pieces you throw out or that get lost. - Decisions you made that were permanent no or were missed opportunities. - Similar to moral choices or decisions that were made for you when you could not make them yourself (childhood) - The forks in the road you did not ever take at all.

Anyways, that's how I have it all pictured out in my head, especially after some of the stuff I have gone through lately adding some of my key pieces to the side puzzle to make my life better and more like what I want it to be. Just though I would share my little bit of incite.

To Be Or Not To Be, Where Be = Post...

Okay so I'm defiantly not as good with the whole update blog multiple times a week thing like I was originally planing. Especially since I'm at the midterm of the semester so less free time to sit down and write out these blog posts. The funny thing is I never forget about my blog, I just don't have time to say what I want to say, or when I do have time I have already calmed down to the point of not caring about the topic I was going to vent about or can not find the right words. Though by no means has that stopped me form jotting down things I stumble upon or learn about in school that I like, or I feel have impact or would make a good title for a post. The problem often lies in the fact that the title would be awesome, but I can't write that much on the topic and/or do not wish to elaborate on words that already state my thoughts perfectly. So I have decided that I will periodically collect all my random bits and pieces and throw them in to one random blog post of collective win and leave it at that. So here goes...

Random stuff that makes for possible future titles:

The stronger the shoulders the Heavier the load

The early bird gets the worm

In the horizon of the infinite

A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.

Random Poetry beginnings I might get around to finishing:

Just a wee bit mad, a little bit insane
Never claimed to be right in the brain

It's all in the facade you put on,
the mistakes you make
and chances you take

Random stuff that just needs to be shown to the world again:

"I have come too early," he said then; "my time is not yet.
This tremendous event is still on its way, still wandering;
it has not yet reached the ears of men.
Lightning and thunder require time;
the light of the stars requires time;
deeds, though done, still require time to be seen and heard.
This deed is still more distant from them than most distant stars -
and yet they have done it themselves.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.
If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
( I KNOW I want to do a post on this one I just don't have the time needed to collect my thoughts and get out the right words yet, but I will)

That's it for tonight though I think I will be working on a post in between shifts tomorrow... Cause I really need to sort a mess out and writing it all out seams to help...

Promises & Pie Crusts Are Made To Be Broken...

I know the saying goes rules are made to be broken, but I'm starting to think the same goes for promises...
Over the past 2 years I have broken so many of those promises I made privately to myself over the years.
My broken promises:
1) No long-distance relationships much less with the main source of contact being via interwebs. (AIM is a great thing but gez. )
2) Never going to the school I go to now. (Needless to say the school is not what it used to be, when I got that idea in my head, and the other school didn't want me...)
3) Moving out when I went to college. (Just was not practical where I go.)
4) Will not ever even considering being a teacher. (I hate school why would I want to go there for the rest of my life to earn my $.)
There are probably many others, those are just the ones that stick out foremost in my mind right now.
I guess it all goes with little miss innocent growing up. I mean I laughed at a comment made on NCIS last night and daddy turned around and goes "You aren't suppose to know about that." My sister being younger and not having gone to a Con or being in college where one learns about these things she said "O, the icecream?" to which I replied "No, the bondage." She gave me a funny look and once daddy left ear shot asked me what it was. Normally she is the one schooling me since I was always the social outcast and left out of the loop. Wow, you see what I did there? I got sidetracked and forgot what I was talking about...
Promises, promises, what to say about promises. If you know me you know I normally will not break a promise, and I still take pinky promises as the most sever type of promise never to be broken. But here I go, gone done broken at least 4 promises I made to myself...
But that's life; You live, and you learn, and you make the best of it.

Song for the night:



Quotes because I like them and I feel they were needed tonight:

To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing. ~Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, 1876

Promises and pie crusts are made to be broken. ~Jonathan Swift

The promise given was a necessity of the past: the word broken is a necessity of the present. ~Niccolo Machiavelli

A promise is a comfort for a fool. ~Proverb

Life didn't promise to be wonderful. ~Teddy Pendergrass

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep...
~Robert Frost

Once Upon Days Gone By...

Both feet planted firmly on the ground,
But my head is stuck up in the clouds.
My thoughts trail off in all directions,
As I try to keep my head on straight.
Emotions running rampant through my brain.
I feel just like I do on a rainy day,
Trapped inside with naught to do,
And all I want to do is run and play,
Frolic as I did in younger days.
Alas those times are long past,
If only I knew then they would not last.
Time has come and gone, It does not stay.
That is the price we all must pay,
To live and breathe another day,
A price worth paying to say the least,
For with it comes many precious gifts.
Joy, love, hope, fear, sadness too,
The precious package we were given,
Trusted with at the beginning.
One chance is all we get,
So keep it safe, and use it well.


Okay so I'm pretty sure it ended up in a direction totally different from where it started but hey it was written on 2 different days so my emotions changed a bit. Heck they were changing as I was writing it at the beginning... But yeah I think this would be my second "poem" I have posted on here... Go me!

Luck Is When Preparation Meets Opportunity...

Which is kinda what happened today...
Well I went to Hot Topic today and I was prepared to buy the new Hey Monday CD and return the dress I ordered online that was too small and find something else to wear. I ended up with my 15% coupon credited back to my account and using it to spend about the same amount I spent on the dress to get 2 shirts and 2 CDs. I have to say that was pretty win! Now if only the dress had fit x.x (I was well aware there was a slim chance it would but I fell in love with the dress online and had to try it was one of those things you just cant pass up if there is a chance it might fit...) O and back to the CDs it gets better than just getting 2 CDs. One of them was on clearance for 4.95 and well the cover stood out to me so i picked it up and looked at the song names... and well with titles like Paramedic , Words, Time of Our Lives, Kick the Crutch, and Sucker Punch (Won't Get Away With It) I just could not resist an impulse buy like that 13 songs for $5 it is hard to go wrong with that. Well turns out I actually really like their stuff. So let's add These Green Eyes to random bands I accidentally find that I love.

P.S. Here is a sample! ;D It is one of the few non-live versions of their stuff I could find on youtube.

Nothing Ventured... Nothing Gained...

Busy, Busy, Busy... and it isn't even Midterms yet...
I am experiencing this odd feeling of being stressed and not stressed at the same time. It is quite peculiar. I guess you can kinda say I'm stressed a bit but I understand it is just totally normal stress as midterms approach and I have a bit of a plan to handle it for once so I'm not just jumping in over my head.
Other than that I've been bad... I went and chased part of my past back and got it back into my life. The Noise it calls me. I have learned from that Volume of the Encyclopedia and have started a new one. It is by far not the same as before. Lots of different people that I don't know from before, I know myself better now, and a lot of the bonds I have with the people that I do know are stronger and more stable than before. Besides the stability of the weekly event that doesn't change much is nice when the rest of my life other than school gets shaken up every week. And even though school doesn't move around that much, it is still stressful. And DeTox once a week isn't stressful (anymore, the bully that hung out is gone). It's good friends, good music, good conversation, and lots of fun. But I mean yes I went back and grabbed a shard of my past, but I'm using it to my advantage and I won't make the same mistakes I did before. I'm not the exact same girl I was a month and a half ago. I have learned a lot and have grown more into my skin. We will see what comes and if need be I can always end the volume and continue on with my life.

And now for a video! Since we all know I like my youtube videos!

You'r In Love With Imposibility...

Idk the title is a quote from Antigone and I just love it even though it hardly fits with the song for today... Well the song more of fits the entire blog... Just listen! =D



I'll even copy the lyrics for you people that don't want to sit through it reading them as it plays...
And I'll change the color of the lines that fit best cause I'm kind bored...

You see yourself being so small
Running into every brick wall
It's not as far as you can go
The road is twisting turning
A life is living learning
There's so much more for you to know

[Chorus]
If you could lock the past away
Step back through the doorway
This ride has just begun
If I could change your point of view
Is there someway I can show you
The best is yet to come

Not every problem can be
Solved so easily
Not every answer is the one
Above the flood of emotion
It's all about forward motion
Define your place in the sun

[Chorus]

Try to hide
It's all inside
You can find a place where the pain and guilt can fall away

If you're spitting truth
Bulletproof
Crashing through the walls that separate me and you

Now you'll find with everything you lose
Your path clears with everything you choose

If you could lock the past away
Step back through the doorway
This ride has just begun
Change your point of view
Is there someway I can show you
The best is yet to come

[Chorus]

Is there someway I can show you
The best is yet to come

*end today's randomness*

Wish Somebody Would Tell Me I'm Fine...

So all of a sudden today I lost all the drive I had rediscovered over the weekend... I was happy, I couldn't stop smiling, I actually took pictures of myself and allowed (select) people to see them. Yet, when I was getting ready for school all my happiness slowly started to drain, which I figured was normal, I mean I DO NOT LIKE SCHOOL, but by halfway through my class I was doubting myself all over the place, and just in a generally emo spiral of emotions. School is starting to feel like a pointless effort I mean most of my classes barley touch on what I actually WANT to do. That and I really am not the most tech savvy person out there I am utterly clueless when it comes to hacking and Piracy yet I am surrounded by people hat do it for kicks and giggles and have ALWAYS downloaded their music and never paid for it yet I'm sitting there little miss goody two shoes never having really pirated a thing in my life... So that then makes me wonder if I'm even in the right field. I mean yeah I love web design but I'm good at the simple and not overly professional, and I can't draw worth shit... Am I going to be able to keep up with my field? Or should I just stay a retail worker drone? And then I think about how hard I work all the commitment I have put into my job, yet I still can't get hat promotion. So does that mean I'm not even cut out for retail? Should I just be what I always feared? The stay at home mom with no responsibilities other than cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids. But wait, I can't cook, and I'm not even sure I want kids... So where does that leave me? Well, yeah I can type, but not fast and not without starring at the computer keys... so that even boots secretary at the office out. And I am over weight and pudgy and uncoordinated... so no dance... be it professional or otherwise... So see this? I'm entirely pessimistic AGAIN I just scratched off almost every job that it would be relatively easy to go to from here, That wasn't even including a major change which, to be completely honest, I could not afford even if I want to have one. So this long drawn out pessimistic rant leads me to the song that started going through my head as soon as I started to doubt myself in class...



I don't know how the rest of you keep your heads on straight... I can barley remember where I put mine... O wait it's on my shoulders... SEE I NEED HELP!... Can anyone help me? *hums to herself rocking back and forth in the dark corner of her room with her iPod playing in the background*

One foot in front of the other...

Maybe now that I'm gone you will realize what your missing. I was always there for you.. and probably still will be, but for now I can't do this. Not after what I have learned. Trust has been lost. The brittle web that connects us is all but shattered, and you have sealed the fate of the last strands by putting this tension between us...
I now watch as the last strand snaps and all I can do is reach out for what isn't there anymore. What once was. But, as is the point of this blog, moving forward remembering to look to the past to learn from mistakes but not clinging to it and letting it haunt you.
There will always be a piece of you here. There will always be the memories good and bad, but for now that last fragile stand has broken and the mirror I held in my hand is falling to the floor and shattering.
With this I turn a new leaf and plant both eyes on the road ahead once more....

I had it... You took it... I want it back...

What's a friend?...

A person that's always there for you no matter what?
The one you tell all your secrets to?
The person you can trust your CD collection to?
Someone you share your drink with even if you *don't share*?
Someone who sits there and fakes it to stab you behind your back?
The one that burns you where it hurts the most?
The one you did that thing with that day that you regretted for the rest of your life?
If that's a friend where do I fall?
Can you trust me?
Will I burn you?
Will you forever hate me for the words I say?
No matter how true they may ring?
Here is my answer for you.
A friend is just that.
The person that sits there and you trust till you turn your back and they use you for their own purposes.
A TRUE FRIEND.
Now those are harder to find.
They are the one that sits there by your side no matter what.
Who has earned your complete trust.
Who will straight up tell you how it is, yet you cant be mad with them for telling you the truth cause you know they are telling it like it is and they would never steer you wrong.
That's a TRUE FRIEND.
The type you want around.
The ones you should hold on to.
Cause once you burn a true friend the wound never quite heals...
And always leaves a
S C A R

Not "Weird"... Just "Different"...

I'm not weird. Nope, definitely not. I'm just different. Unique. Unconventional. Out of the Ordinary. But not "Weird". You get used ot me after awhile. If you don't then well I guess you would define me as "weird" cause you just don't understand. There was a point beyond this but I've gone done forgotten it... Carry on...

Ignorence is Bliss...

Until you find out the cost of rude awakening...
Ignorance causes drama and drama bring you llamas...
Llamas spit...
Therefore llamas are lame...
And you should avoid them...
An easy way to avoid them is by not starting drama...
So in all don't be ignorant...
In the end it makes you look the fool and causes more trouble than it's worth.

And with that I put up the nice sturdy glass house and watch the drama bombs explode while I sit inside said house laughing with a nice view.

Keep Calm & Carry On... Now Panic & Freak Out...

Two sides of the coin that is my life... too bad the second side keeps coming up when I flip it...
I'm good at the freaking out, not so good at staying calm, even when the calm side is up. It's the pessimist in me, I can ALWAYS find something wrong... Call it habit, genetics, force of nature, what have you I still do it and it still is part of my problem... Even as I type this it is taking all my will power not to fall to pieces. The little things add up fast and the leaning tower of emotions is about to topple, and its not pretty when it falls. Especially since I can't just walk away and let the problems blow away; I stack them all back up as best I can and start adding to it again. Even when I can finally remove a piece there are plenty more that fall exactly where the one was before and I can't seam to escape it. I'm trying, believe me I'm trying... baby steps... one foot in front of the other... deep breaths... I think I can, I think I can...
Hopefully I'll get this stress thing under control soon and live a somewhat normal... scratch that life with me could never be "normal"... how about, "stress-free" life...
...*flips the coin again to see where it lands*...

Live...Love...Be...Belive...

Maybe the Crüxshadows were on to something there... I had though of something all insitegful earlier and then my battery ran low.. then I came home to grade Quizzes and well all my energy is gone... I'll probably head to bed and remember what the hell I was trying to say another day... Dragon* Con was fun... too bad it is over :'( ...O well Back tomorrow... maybe... but at least Thursday can't go too long between posts of I might go mad as a hatter *giggles and passes out*

ADLEIAVDE...

That's about what I am these days. Schrodinger's cat has nothing on me. It's how I'm feeling right now... I can feel it all around me everything happening and stressing me out... but I'm almost dead to the world in a zombie-type state where its there I feel it, but it doesn't bother me like it should. Hopefully this weekend, free of real work and full of fun and dressing up and general geek-dom, will cure me from this trance. At least I hope...


And if you really need to figure out the title cause it bugs you like it did me when I first saw it... I gave you a hint or two ... USE THEM!

We are our own greatest riddle...

So riddle me this...

What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?

But anyways back to the point... The title is proof enough we are our biggest critics. We constantly critique ourselves, question our actions and motives, and put ourselves down. Least I know it's true for a lot of us including myself. As the follow song so clearly states "I'm my own worst enemy". Its almost ingrained into our brains to do it. Well enjoy the song that's been stuck in my head since we talked about Oedipus today in World Lit and the idea that we our our own greatest riddle got planted in my head.





O wait... you wanted to know the answer to the riddle too?
I guess you can have it....

A man, who crawls on all fours as a baby, walks on two legs as an adult, and walks with a cane in old age.

Anxious Waters

In way over my head
My heart is pounding
But I keep drowning

My thoughts wash over me
The tide flows out
With it my sanity

Out there somewhere
Just out of reach
Everything I really need

I wait for the tide
To come back in
Bringing back part of me

The ship may have sunk
But bring the rubble back
Let me rebuild what was

Make a brand new me
Reconstruct my sanity
And sail back out to sea

The Wrong Side of Society...

I'm sitting here going out of my mind... bored stiff, yet have stuff to do... longing for the companionship I just cant seem to find... even my cat has disowned me. :/ What I think I need is good friends and fun times to wind me down and destress me, but *looks around* none of that is really in sight. Yes, Dragon*Con is this weekend but I only know a few people going. Sure I'll make some new friends, and there are some going but I still don't have a group to go with. And when I go to school tomorrow and sit down in the cafeteria I'll be alone except for a book. THIS IS FREAKING DEPRESSING! Why am I so horrible at making friends? Or when I do why can I never make time to be with them cause of school and work? Everyone wonders why I'm always so burnt out and stressed all the time... Well here is your answer... I HAVE NO LIFE! I'm shy, insecure, depressed, geeky, and have major time management issues thanks to a way too flexible schedule at work, so I can get hours in a feeble attempt to support myself... This is me pouring out my heart half in tears as I feel like a total outcast, and I don't like it one bit. I may be blocking my past from haunting me, I may have broken the rear view mirror, but the inner torment soul still is clawing her way through and it hurts. I want to toss everything out the door and start anew, but there are many factors preventing it. I need to finish school. I need to move out. I need a job in the field I want my career in. I can make the past stop haunting me but it will still linger until I can really run and start anew, which wont be for at least 4 if not 5 more semesters, including this one. A few more years and the I can break out of my safety mold and not be so afraid of falling and not have as many factors working against me. I know with a little more effort and some more financial aid I could do it now but its not worth the hassle and fight that trying to get there would cause. I've settled for the past 20 years, I can settle for a couple more; until I can make it on my own without anyone else holding me up when I stumble and fall.

Maybe if I kiss up enough to the cat she'll at least sleep at my feet tonight to comfort me...

I'm not weird...

and...




Nope. I'm totally NOT weird...

You better wear your shades the spotlights here can burn holes through the stage...

The spotlights on us these days are way too bright. Every detail every move of our everyday lives is scrutinized by someone somewhere. Why can't we all just be who we want to be, without fear of being judged? Why must we live our day to day lives guarded from those around us? This keeps running through my head, especially this time of the year when I get ready to go to Dragon*Con. The one time a year I really feel free to act how I want to act, and not be judged for it. I mean it's 4 days of utter geek-dom where the oddballs rule and all signs of normalcy are thrown out the window. It's a party that if your there your a dork and therefor you can't pick on anyone for being there cause you are too. Yeah some people take the costuming to the extreme, but hello it's part of the fun letting lose and allowing the inner nerd to reign supreme. Too bad we all try to hide it the rest of the year to "blend-in" with society and try to be portrayed as this thing called "normal" we all seam to strive for for no apparent reason... I mean why not stand out in the crowd and be the one with the half shaved head and rainbow colored liberty spikes? O yeah... the image turns heads and we get the look. Everyone turns the spotlight on that one person and starts judging a book by its cover... And how often are they wrong about what they see? I mean come on "what you see is what you get" doesn't always apply. What about that poor shaggy dog you saw on the side of the road? Why not take it home get to know it before you make that judgment call? Just saying turn off the bright spot lights and read a page out of someones book before you cast them off as "weird" cause "weird" can mean the difference between the coolest person you ever met and the coolest person you SHOULD have met.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine...

Totally in that state of mind right now... "I need you here, but you're always so far away"... 2000 miles is hella far... "I'm losing my mind, broken inside I want you to take my breath away"... I sit here waiting paciently for the future, " 'Cause being closer to you is my sweetest escape"... I know this for a fact after the 3 days we spent together a month ago... I may have stolen your nose, but you defiantly kept my heart... and "It's obvious that my heart beats for you"... and YOU know who YOU are...

And FYI ~You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter...

Perfection?...

Start with this...



And then you figure out this...



And it all boils down to this...



Lyrics express what I'm feeling, better than any words I could put together do, more often than not...

Why fix what's broken?...

Cause when it was whole it was amazing. But with pieces, important pieces, falling off here and there for awhile now it is almost impossible to re-assemble properly. So yeah, that mirror I broke last week, I know where most of the pieces fell... I *could* make it "whole" again, to some extent... but it wouldn't be the same. I am catching myself longing for the mirror though. That which was "normal" and "predictable" rather than not having that safe haven to run to. I needed to shatter it for more than one reason, one just finally forced my hand, I can't deny it needed to be done. The amount of stuff on my plate tonight alone is proof of that, I guess I just need to let the wound heel and sweep the piece of the mirror under the mat to deal with another less stressful weekend.

On a more bizarre note now that I have a desk I can light my candles again safely and well I am seeing spot from staring at the flame trying to think. I don't know what it is about watching the flame and the shapes the wax makes as the candle melts and burns, but it calms me and allows my mind to right itself... I guess I'm just a bit of a pyro at heart...

Move Along Folks. Nothing To See Here...

While at work I though of some insightful topic to write about tonight, but I forgot it and didn't have a chance to write it down. And at this point I AM NOT looking forward to tomorrow and need sleep so I am just gonna write to write so I can say I posted everyday for 7 days for the first week. This whole back to school thing is really getting to me. Purely because I have not had a day off since the 8th and the next possible one isn't till the 28th, at the earliest. If it's not work it's school and this homework thing is starting to kick in which means "free time" is time not spent wisely. I honestly can't wait until labor day, cause at least at Dragon*Con when I'm working I'll get to have fun too and sit on my bum and enjoy people watching as I point the different geeks to he right hotel. Later Gators! I warned you there was nothing to look at of importance...

SombreroRojo...

Don't ask just go with me being bored and a dork at work trying to master the name of a brand of wine I found and trying (for 20 minutes) to say it properly rolled R's and all.
So I have further proof of why I have no self-esteem/ self-confidence. Today I go to a meeting and the professor says I'm looking good and lost some weight. I come home and a few hours later as I'm getting ready for work I go in to talk to mom and she asks if my fly is down so I check and it's not but as I'm doing so daddy dearest makes the comment no she is probably just filling out her pants more. Mind you these are the pants I had to bye a few months back cause the old ones were FALLING OFF. The belt I wear is the same one because I can't find another I like and it's required so I just have it on the LAST NOTCH. This isn't the first time recently I've had people I know and see often enough to recognize, if not by name by face from checking them out once a week, say that I look like I've lost weight... and for my father who sees me everyday to think I'm gaining when he has no idea I dropped a pant size and a half and can fit into teenage shirts again... IT BUGS ME! He thinks he knows me up and down but he doesn't. He has no idea what's going on with me... Yes, I do block him out, but hello does he not see the smile on my face more often or the confidence in my step? *shakes her head confused*
To top off the day I have decided I'm *really* sick of people thinking I don't know what I'm talking about. If I open my mouth to correct you it's cause you are doing it wrong! When the older coworkers roll their eyes like I don't know what I'm doing yet I have been there twice as long as them and am more trusted to do things and do them right the first time... I don't know but when shit like what happens tonight happens and I get looked down upon as inexperienced and don't know what I'm talking about when, if anyone bothered to listen to what I had to say they would realize I actually have a mind of my own and get this... I USE IT!
-end rant-
Maybe I'll go do something productive like sleep... or find a path to the newly found desk that is in my room.

I know, It's just nice to hear it said again...

Today has been... interesting... to say the least. Literature class further proved my point from yesterday's blog about stuff. You really can't talk or discuss anything unless you know your stuff you have to read/study/work with the material then you can have a good grasp of the concept and come up with an interpretation of which you defend. I lived through a lot of stuff I've been through situations like hers, and with how the past used to haunt me and I would linger on it I've replayed the events backwards and forwards looking at my mistakes and finding ways to fix them even if I was to late to fix them then. But then again for many of this to work you have to be "open enough to hear opinions and look at the material". Which further proves my point about her being "close-minded" she wasn't open to listening every time I made a suggest it was shot down mid thought process. She refused to see things through my shoes. I really need to stop lingering but I just find it funny how all my different "lives" and activities overlap into one big mess of information all pointing the same direction.

Now on to Psychology class today... We were talking about one of the great minds that started to mold psychology into what it is today and the teacher went off on a tangent about how he never really fit in to society and how parents were suppose to shelter children from the evils of society but often ended up locking the children away which still twisted them. I found it ironic because she went on to talk about how often some of the most brilliant creative people think so little of themselves because of society and the girl that is the power point clicker at that time turn to me and gave me "the look". I said, "What?". She then made it blatantly obvious she though I was one of these types, which I don't doubt to be true from how adamantly my friends from all over and all walks of life say "[I'm] too hard on myself" and "[I'm] a really great person". I don't really know what to think though i *want* to believe them but then again I *can't* its just the way my brain got programed over the years. But that was all of any interest that happened at school.

Course I came home tonight and was given the web site a friend and I had been talking about the other day in regards to animal spirits and after clicking through almost every page on the website I *think* I finally found one that almost fits, though comments on how right/wrong you people that know me think I am with what I picked. (Here is the site: http://www.animalspirits.com/indexlist.html ) And now for the big reveal....

Domestic Cat's Wisdom Includes:

* Independence
* Seeing the unseen
* Protection
* Love
* Allows us to dream its dreams
* Assists in meditation
* Ability to fight when cornered

Now does it really surprise those of you that know me? Not quite all of it fits perfectly but it fits better than half the ones that talked about self-esteem, handling stress or social grace, all things no one can convince me I have because I'm quite positive I lack them. I might have this changed up a bit though and some of the mouse and unicorn fit me as well and I didn't get through all of he animal's yet I might find one closer later, but for now I'm content with being a cat. =^.~=

Hey! Hey! Listen!

I may be young. I may be "inexperienced" but I have been around the block a time or two. So when I give you advice from experience freaking listen. Made a new friend through a friend couple weeks back... had to tell her off last night, and I'm having a hard time not looking back. She is so like I was a year and a half ago... The world is her play thing, you are her friend and D@M!T she wants your attention NOW! Not to mention won't sit and listen worth a shit. (Sometimes it's best to sit down shut up and listen to what people have to say, answering with a nod, okay, or yes sir/ma'am.) Somewhat close-minded view of the world having grown up sheltered by choice or by coincidence, it is such a shame to have to block people out of your life for stupid reasons, but disrespect doesn't bode well with me at all. If I'm trying my hardest to fix your problem listen to what I have to say don't ignore me and tell me I'm wrong, ESPECIALLY if you ASK me to help you figure out whats wrong. But alas this is me rambling about the past, which I need not do. Just hear me out if I say it like I have experience I probably do. I may be 20, but I'm hardheaded and observant I tend to only speak up when sure of myself.

To Begin Again...

The semester has officially started. Day two of classes is already in full swing as I wait for my first class of the day to start and reflect back to remember what I've learned versus the path ahead and what I'll need to get where I want to go. Last night was the ending of something I had grown attached to... Something that gave me connections to people and insights about myself I could never begin to replace. Stepping outside our comfort-zone is something that everyone must face at some point and come to turns with. What I left last night was just that... It started as me reaching out of my comfort-zone and confronting what I was handed. It then became my comfort-zone the place I hid when the rest of the world was trying to break down my door. As of late I've been reaching outside the comfort-zone with one foot firmly planted in it, but now I took my foot out of it and plan to continue on this path as it merges with the rest of my life. So yeah last night signified the ending, but its not an ending as most would think. I still get to visit my old hideaway, just see it through new eyes, and I have already been told that I'm welcome back if I so choose when the path becomes less rocky and the way clears again for side excursions. But for now I leave the weekly party place I called "home away from home" focus my attention on school and keep in touch with the people I met along that path that made A difference (for the better) in me and the way I view the world. And with that I leave you a song with perfect lyrics for this new beginning...

Eternity Awaits...

And with a fitting ending to signify a new beginning I leave you for the night with a song a friend picked for me that fits all to well to what is coming together...

So, I broke the mirror...

Why did I break the mirror? Cause you can't linger in the past. Got to keep moving forward; learn what you can, but don't let it haunt you. Keep both eyes on the road ahead. A few good friends have been beating this through my head recently and well it's about time I let it sink in. So this marks the beginning middle and end for me. The beginning of a new point of view and a "new me" where I learn from my mistakes and don't linger on them. The middle of the long road that is, and will be my life. The end of the girl who was crippled and haunted by her past, her regrets, and her fears. So while I break the mirror I have my glimpse and memories of the past to show where I have been and remind me where I am heading, but they won't have a clear shot at hindering me like they have before. But breaking a mirror alone wont fix my life I have to add in a balance. Work--|--School; Play---|-Study; you know that thing we all have to do when we really want to make a big change "for the better" in our life. But for now I pick this new fork in the road, jump over the shards of a now shattered mirror, and take the next steps down the road of my life. Hope to see you along the way.