I Don't Even Know Anymore...

Everything around me is in a constant state of flux and I am really starting to get sick of it.

I don't even know how to feel about my job anymore... Like I don't even know what my future at my job holds... After 5 years you would think I would know which route I fall on, but I can't find my footing currently and it frankly has me terrified. Add the anxiety about school and my future career to that and I almost feel like I am grasping for straws in the dark guessing where I've been and where it will take me not knowing if the next piece I pick-up will even take me in the direction I need to go to get anywhere closer to where I want to be.

Speaking of where I want to be... BEST VACATION EVER last month... I really didn't want to come home. So much so that I accidentally sat at the wrong gate and almost missed my flight home. (Yes this really was an accident I almost had a panic attack and couldn't even sleep on the plane ride home because of it.) But yeah I defiantly want to be out west. I want to be closer to my BF even if I'm not sure we will last. I feel safe where I'm swimming, but I do see the dark spots under the surface that could sink this relationship at a moments notice. Hell saying no was one of the hardest scariest things I have ever done. I was almost sure that I was in over my head and drowning for the 24 hours after it. I found the shallower water again but it defiantly messed with my center of balance. Not only that though its like a fresh water fish swimming into salt water. It doesn't feel right and the taste is off in your mouth. I don't fit in much with his friends or hell even his family. I'm a bit new age and kinda high-strung. I'm not used to being taken care of be it a door being held open of not being allowed to pay for things myself and well he was raised into chivalry. And high-strung, hell yeah I am when I'm in a town I know no one but my BF and the people he introduces me to, who all pretty much do something I personally don't agree with. I accept it, and accept they can do what they want, but I am not gonna do it. There wasn't particularly pressure to join in but hell you still feel like an outcast if you don't...

So I am taking these curve balls as best I can, not sure I'm doing it right, not sure if it is worth the extra bruises to try to stay in the current game. But hell I'm trying.

I need to lay out all the pieces of my puzzle again and try and take another stab at it, but I don't hardly trust myself to do it alone. I need a BFF one who understands and gets me sees things at my level and understands my responses. One friend is so vastly different from me that despite knowing each other 5 years we get along but we don't really spend time together. On friend doesn't get how I'm not tough enough and that my life is peachy compared to hers I should be better off than I am. The one I really trust all my secrets to and such... Well I'm scared I will flood her and overwhelm her too cause she has a shit ton going on in her life too. I'm that best friend that sits there and lets you vent but it also means bottle it up more than I should and then I pressurize and come very near bursting... I'm almost at max capacity and have no outlet to show for it...

And yay for finally being 21, but drinking doesn't make things go away... I wish it did sometimes, but it doesn't... least not permanently...

And what would one of my posts be without music?

I'm Really Fun I Swear, I Can Even Provide References...

Well maybe not so much during the last month of school when my procrastination gets the best of me and I have 3 term projects to finish in a 2.5 week time period and have to depend on group members to do their parts for 2 of the 3 projects. But hey 2 of the projects are totally done and turned in now. The other will be that way Thursday. So I'm a bit more stress free least til I realize finals are next week... Well other than the fact that my science professor said that the final would be the last day of class so I changed my work schedule so I could work during class only to find out I heard the wrong date... Minor stress there... but yeah figured I should post an update since it's been awhile and school and Derby are really all there is to blame...

Total Drama Island....

I love my friends I do but why is it I ALWAYS end up in the middle of a triangle war? Like seriously. We even just went over this in the psyc class I am TA for and now it is stilling here starring me in the face true to life example. I want to keep both friends. I do but one is making it tons harder than the other and its over stupid shit she shouldn't even care about. I'm fed up frustrated and sick of getting all stressed out cause my friends blow shit way out of proportion.

Anyways I know i needed to blog and to vent so there it is now time to go relax and calm down while I listen to some Pan!c at the Disco since they fit and the new CD comes out tomorrow!

Way With Words...

Some days I think I might actually have a way with words...

Like the days this month where these popped into mind...

What is it you want
What is I you see
When you look at the pieces
That together make up me

...And...

Time it washes over me
So much if it
But not enough
The ebb and flow
Takes it's toll
Demanding and unyielding
Destroying and building
Irreversible yet direct-able
The lord and master
Dominant over all
Submissive to none

But then there are days like today where I have all the urges to be creative and put words down but when I "pick up the pen to write" noting comes... Well I guess I should say everything comes out nonsensical...

I'm With Stupid ===>

*Start Rant*




I may not be the brightest crayon in the box (believe me I do try some days), gosh darn-it I am NOT dumb. I do not have dumb stamped in permanent ink on my forehead... I even asked someone to check for me... So then why was everyone acting like I was dumb yesterday? I was getting told left and right what to do next and how to do my job. I have worked there 4.75 years and I get praises sung by coworkers and customers. I know how to do my job and do it well. So then why do people feel the need to talk down to me and tell me what to do and when to do it? I have worked my butt off to get where I am so I really don't appreciate it when people do this. Especially when I am about to do what they are telling me to do I just haven't got to that step yet. I mean seriously I am 20 years old in school and have been proven "gifted" like above average gifted, not "special ed" gifted. So yes I can do my job, I can problem solve for myself, and if I want your help I will ASK or you can tell I am being stubborn and stressing out and need it, but will refuse it.




*End Rant*

1, 2, 3, 4...

I know I know I really am bad at this, but hey I got a new laptop and have been setting it up all weekend. Yes, that's my excuss and i'm sticking to it. So lets see what all has happened... nothing really well except for the Flowers, the flowers were awesome!

Soo pretty. He did a really good job picking them out.

He totally outdid my cute teddy bear >.> And that wasn't even going to be the present he got me. The computer just had to wait cause of black-light paint being on back-order and him not being able to find the OS disks. Anyways I did edit that poem and I will post it later, And I started another, so I will probably post that too...

Foot In Mouth...

Okay her goes nothing for the next hour or so I am going to multitask and write down all the random starts of poems or whatever that come to me no pattern no intent just need to write it all down and get it out of my system...

Love is it real?
Or is it a lie,
Between you and I?
Thoughts, feelings, words unspoken.
Sadness heartache butterflies
Feelings like no other
repeated every day
yet ever changing
twisting turning yearning
will it end?
or has it just begun?
time will tell
it can break us or make us
twist us to it's will


Okay and my newest song obsession...



Maybe later I will come back and edit that up some and make something of it, but for now I at least got some of it out of my system...

Harder Better Faster Stronger...

So I knew the inevitable would happen and I would end up slacking off on the blogging, but hey it's not like it was my new year's resolution or anything that I slacked off. I just had a break from school and if I wasn't exhausted from work I was just off in lala land... which if you know me is actually quite normal. Does not help I have been sick 2 times in the past 3 months and I am coming down with something again... I DO NOT LIKE coughing fits. But hey I managed to catch up with a friend tonight that I haven't seen since well before Christmas so that was nice. I also raised my GPA enough to get my my scholarship back, and the school refund came in so I have a bit of money I can't really spend but I will probably chip away and add to it off and on. Oh, and I made the Dean's List last semester too, no freaking idea how but hey I did it counts for something right?
In other news my past came back for a visit, and most of you would be proud. I didnt cry, I was actually laughing most of the argument. She got what she wanted and then I told her off (yes I am referring to the newly edited blog post which is about all I have actually done in the past month). So in other words I will reinact the end of that conversation for some kicks and giggles.
"Yours Truly rolls her eyes watching you walk away not even bothering to cry over spilled sour milk bye girl gl with whatever it is you decide to do with your life." And then there was some yelling by the other party and rage quitting. I busted up laughing at this and then proced to shrug it off and move on. So see people I can learn, old dogs can learn new tricks with the proper conditioning... Just took me a few months. Don't worry my blog won't end cause I learned one of the biggest lessons I needed to learn when starting the blog, I will continue to ramble and keep tabs on myself so I don't accidentally fall back into old bad habits.
School has officially started and is gonna be a bitch here soon. 3 semester projects this semester, 2 of which are group *gag*. And it does not help I have very few friends in my classes, but I'll get through it I always do. Though, there is WAY TOO MUCH alphabetizing in my future... I should probably go ret now so I can feel better... I promise to try harder to update like I was before Christmas break...

O yeah and some music...

They Warned Her She Needed A Wall....

O the holidays... how they eat up all my free time. Working more spending the little time I have dealing with holiday goodness... But that is mostly over. All I have left is the present for my boyfriend and his sister both of which are en-route to me! I can't say what they are in to off chance one of them decides to read my blog but I'm really hoping my boyfriend appreciates how creative I got with it. Speaking of boyfriend... I miss him I really do.



I posted a pic from July on facebook earlier and ever since he has been back and forth in my thoughts. Sure we text back and forth almost everyday, some days more or less than others, but it still isn't the same as being right there with him. I love the phone calls but they never seam to last long enough even if I run out of things to say. I would LOVE to go back and repeat that weekend I spent with him in July, or have a new one just like it. Heck I'd love to spend more than weekend with him. Every once in awhile this long distance relationship stuff gets to me and when I saw that the new batch of Hallmark cards went up today, and they are valentines cars it hit me. 2 years. 2 whole years the week before valentines day. That's a LONG time. Especially since this is my FIRST relationship. Yes we have had our ups and downs and hiccups and such but hey it happens to everyone. I am typing this as I wait for him to call me after he gets off work. Staying up being my sacrifice to make this work since he is 3 hours behind me. I've changed so much since I met him, for the better of course. Through him I have begun to find myself on levels I never would have found without him. One level is expressed perfectly in this song...



And the funny part, when it comes on I go yeah that's me and skip right to thinking about him. He has it as his ring-tone for me. I wish I was dancing in his arms every time it comes on. But for now, until circumstances change for the better, I will settle for this...

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie...

It really bothers me that I can't seam to do it. Especially with the one person that I really need to move past. It's not like online where there is a block and a mute button. Well it kinda is since its online i keep seeing the past pop up. But this is an old friend that I can't seam to shake. Even if I wasn't seeing her comment on one of my friend's Facebook, all my coworkers know we were best friends and always ask me what happened to her. Do I care? Yeah Kinda. Should I? Probably not. What do I say when they ask? Why the hell would I know what happened to the bitch? She taught me stuff I learned from her, but that wake up wasn't a pretty one. And to see HER go and make a blog via routes showing off the profile and making statements I know were to be aimed directly at me. I did the same. I am doing the same now. And I will most likely do it again. But it still hurts. What she has done, is doing, and will continue to do. I see all sides almost clear as day. Everyone told their story and I am sure I made the right choice. Now I just need to get on with my life and live with it. I wonder if she realizes how often she crosses my thoughts. How ofter I go is she doing alright? Was I wrong? From what comes down the grapevines and from what I pickup unwillingly. She kinda is, but I wasn't. But what does it matter?
Why am I rambling on about the past when I need to move forward? This so isn't helping my depression that has hit my like a ton of bricks, off and on the past week, but I need to get it off my chest.


** This part was edited out on request though I will point out out I had never said anything or did anything wrong. I just stated that lyrics from a song matched an event that happened. Like it or not, I did what you asked move along cause that wound is still healing and I'm sick of it being prodded...**


And because it is me here, adding in an Emilie song to make me feel better...

Get Your Paws Off My Cookie...

I find it funny that society is feeding its youth all these talking animals, and other furry type media. Yet in general society furies are classified as weirdos and such. Society and all of its awesome hypocritical nature. Subliminally feeding us all this media and then when we finally get what they are saying and pick up the message they send us we are told that's bad, that's different, stop that and are classified as the extremist of the fetish even when some of us are only a fraction of what the extremist make us out to be. I was more amped up to do this the hour ago when I started... but the catnip in my tea got me distracted...

And now the Music I took the Liberty of selecting for your ears tonight.

BitterSweet HeartBreak...

Okay so over the past week I have had 2 blog posts bouncing around in my head but thanks to finals and stuff I juts haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and do my thing. So here goes nothing...

BitterSweet
The end of the semester is always a bitter sweet time for me. Yay end of that really boring class I had to fight my hardest not to fall asleep in... but it is also the end of that class I loved with the new friends I made. End of the semester projects (all group and all at once x.x) and finals of extreme stress, but wait here comes a "break" at least for a few weeks. Though you can hardly call it a break when you are working ~35 hours vs the ~25 you had during school. Though for a few weeks my days off are as close to days off as you can really get without a literal vacation when you do absolutely nothing. On this "break" I will be cleaning my room and gearing up for next semester. Not to mention I will be trying to come up with money for Christmas presents and my new phone (trying to decide between a Blackberry and an iPhone is hard o.o) and school books... SO I guess I do get a break...and at least 2 of the days I am sure I will do absolutely nothing and not even bother to get out of my PJs... But I will also be getting ready for next semester as best as I know how...



HeartBreak
I really need to learn not to get my hopes up especially after having them crushed twice since Halloween. First with work and everything I've been working towards lately being pushed back till "after the holidays, but it will get done". And then I missed my cousin's turning blue ceremony cause I had to go to the last day of classes. But then my grandma was going to come see me for n hour or so before they flew back west, but she was too tired form the jet lag and getting up early and running around so she will "see me in Spring" which isn't even set in stone, it is merely in the planning phases and she is known for falling through with such plans. So in all, there is a carrot right out of my reach in the workplace and my cousin (who is 11 days younger than me) has joined the military and I haven't seen him in 7 years and have no idea when I will see him again; and my aunt I haven't seen in 10 years and my grandma I haven't seen in 5 were too tired to stay up till I got off work to visit with me ;_; So yeah I need to not get my hopes up cause things never turn out right when I do...




And let's just sum it up like this...